*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
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A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend