Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
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girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.