Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.

Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.

Me: [nods]

me: how was school?

son: i got in trouble today

me: what for?

son: kung fu fighting

me: wow I’m so disappointed

son: but everybody was doing it

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.

Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it

7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.

Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.

where’s Godzilla when we need him

January has been Januweary

My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going

me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–

King Tut: like a what?

me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum

Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!

Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.

alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.