Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
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Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
he’s doing your taxes
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
Reminder:
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.