Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
this has done me in for some reason
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Eat…
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”