Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf

No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.

god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec

angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.

For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.

I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.

Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.

you want me to attend a work meeting? the thing that killed Julius Caesar?

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about

[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords

toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere

When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.

I’d rather go liquor treating.

I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.

You really can’t make this stuff up.

Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.

*uneasily answers phone

‘Guess who?’

David?

‘No’

John?

‘No’

Mike?

‘No’

Steve?

‘No, I made you very happy the other night’

Haagen Daz?

‘NO’

Pizza Hut?

twitter users today:

Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’

Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’

Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’