Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
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The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Kids, do not try this at home!
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.