Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*

Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night

I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.

(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.

Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:

-Why is your face melting?

-Why do you make your face look evil?

-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

Who exactly is this sign for?

Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?

Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?

Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!

Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

Tell the colonel to bring it

every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried

“Sorry I’m late”

Why are there scratches all over your face?

“Jujitsu training”

You can scratch in jujitsu?

“It’s my cat’s best move”

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them