Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.

You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).

getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.

“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.

When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

I hope my company doesn’t😂😂

Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.

I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.

Hurricane Diary

Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster

Day 2)I am out of snacks

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

[bank robbery]

Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it

Cat: [coughing up a hairball]

French tutor: very good

cat 911: what ur emergency

my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door

cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs

The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]