Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
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Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes
Normalize the Christmas piñata so you can “miss” and whack Uncle Frank who’s being a dickwad.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
the three genders
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.