Times are tough, wanna go halfsies on this demon with me?
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Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.