Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*

#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.

Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.

-me, flirting

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car

Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.

I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.

When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.

me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell

I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap

I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”

The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.

The good news: you’re one of them.

In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.

Genie: You have three wishes.

Me: First, I would like a time machine.

*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*

Genie: You have three wishes.

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic

Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims

People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.