Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

[two years ago]

me: planet with the rings?

google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia

[now]

me: does italy exist

google: nope.

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

“Well I guess I better get ready for work”

*gets out of bed*

“Ok I’m ready”

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:

So glad we cleared that up

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}

{whispers} planet shoes

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.

(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*

Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.

Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.

[pearly gates]

Pete:

Me:

Pete:

Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

7yo: What are these?

Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.

7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time

greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A

like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.