Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*

Her: OMG

Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS

Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.

If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.

A new level of troll.

My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents

Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away

This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

“I’m so stoked!”

-An excited fireplace

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”

I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]

me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?

when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.

opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours

cats:

pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end

Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50