Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[etched on my tombstone]

THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.

Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.

It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant

I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.

My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.

Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?

I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.

The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…

My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked

I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on

[inventing that little handle inside the car]

engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)

me: i got into harvard!

cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know

Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.

Given the memory span of a goldfish…

*first time at a Michelin restaurant*

Me: “One order of tires, please.”

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is mississippi

pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p

judge: im sorry you’re missing an i

pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.

ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce

Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.