Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
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The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
I believe the plural is “milves.”
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
When they try to steal your moment.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?