Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.

Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.

Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.

When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.

due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”

– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive

Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.

The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.

Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.

Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?

Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.

It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers

My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.

The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.

*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.

Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…

“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?