Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄

My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

only baby boomers will get this:

*pension*

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.

The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.

Me: I love holding your hands

Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks

On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?

Farmer: These two chickens share a nest

No one:

Me: Would you call that cooperation?

This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”

Pray for me

“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”

“Dammit.”

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats

Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves