[times square new year’s eve 30 mins before midnight] we should leave now and beat the crowd
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Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.