Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this

my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

*wife stares at me*

*I stare at her*

*she frowns*

*I smile*

“You didn’t notice my new-”

“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”

“Dress.”

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

Saturday

It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.

just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head

Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.

My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.

ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better

SURGEON: How did you get in here

[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming

Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?

I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.

Head Chef: You’re fired.

Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-

Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.

I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.

me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood

Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.