Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.

Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.

[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.

monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you

me: [pulls covers over head] your move

all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”

I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park

The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day

I have written yet another poem about laundry

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

This could be us but you eatin’

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.

Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.

herekittykittykittykitty

– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

Dog: I will do anything for you

Human: drop the ball

Dog: nope

‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys

me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets

insomnia: me either

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

[help desk at the mall]

Her: can I help you?

Me: I want this desk to help me

Her: it doesn’t work that way

Me: it doesn’t look busy

Her: it’s a desk, sir

Me: a help desk

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!

waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-

[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce

My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream

Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong

Car sputters as it runs out of gas

Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?