Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”

Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then

“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.

I spend a lot of time alone

“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”

In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.

Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.

Wife: Me either. We are getting old.

Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.

Wife: What do you mean-

[Kids start imitating hyenas]

-nevermind.

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.

Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him

her: I like a confident man

me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.

Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh

Shoo shoo! 😂

imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly