Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
How I like cutting carbs
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
