Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
*pronounces woah like Noah*
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Lives near Army base.
Community page on Facebook:
“WhAt aRe tHoSe LoUd BoOms?!”
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
