Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
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I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
found this cool rock hiking today
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now