Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
