*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
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me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
