*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
You Might Also Like
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea