*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
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Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.