timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
You Might Also Like
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.