timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
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[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
“OMGJK” -atheists
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone