Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being seated for blind date]

her: have you ever been on one of these before

me: yeah I love chairs

“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub

a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real

Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues

wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.

[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!

Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?

Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high

People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day

I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers

me linking you to my twitter

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?

do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.