Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
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Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
A comic by Dan Piraro
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
There are usually two types of merchants.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”