Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.

9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.

9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*

Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.

Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there

Really hoping this is Halloween related

god: u can eat things twice ur size

snake: ok but how

god: go like 😮

snake:

god: then u just kinda :O

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

[First day as a crime scene photographer]

Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”

You’re goddamn right I’m touching the plate immediately after you warn me it’s hot

*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]

Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji

Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?

My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is

Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.