Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing

ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter

FRIEND: This is a shoe

ME: Omg I can’t believe it

Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack

every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.

When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells

Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.

Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.

I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.

Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…

Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.

[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”