Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

[invention of fish net stockings]

fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!

fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?

fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn

*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”

I unironically love this joke.

Child: [eating cereal]

Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.

Child: Thank you.

Me [taking a step]: *crunch*

Child:

Me: There it is.

*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH

The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.

A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.

I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.

Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!

If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already

Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.