Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
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It’s cute how they show subtitles during Here Comes Honey Boo Boo & pretend that anyone watching might actually know how to read.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
when people leave my 15 yr old sister on read she sends them voice memos of her Screaming
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
He died doing what he loved: checking to see if wolves are ticklish.
If you have twins name them Adam & Steve so when someone says “Uh, it’s Adam & Eve” you can be like “OH REALLY?” and have the boys attack!!
actually overheard in ER:
nurse: “Who’s the president?”
patient: “Oh GOD.”
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.