TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
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marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
the battle rages on
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Oh hi lol
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.