TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?

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Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.


It’s cute how they show subtitles during Here Comes Honey Boo Boo & pretend that anyone watching might actually know how to read.


my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.


male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left


me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance


when people leave my 15 yr old sister on read she sends them voice memos of her Screaming


I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.


He died doing what he loved: checking to see if wolves are ticklish.


If you have twins name them Adam & Steve so when someone says “Uh, it’s Adam & Eve” you can be like “OH REALLY?” and have the boys attack!!


actually overheard in ER:
nurse: “Who’s the president?”
patient: “Oh GOD.”


THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.