Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
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Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Has there ever been a more American story?
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.