Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
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CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu