Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
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*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
They’re the worst 😩
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English