Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?

Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy

Me: it shows

Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes

Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.

*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops

Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.

If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.

[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.

Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.

Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!

Her: Pork fried rice??

Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.

I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…

5 yo: Mommy did that.

Me: Did what?

5 yo: She hit that with her car.

Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.