Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
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Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea