Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
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Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
My teenage children choosing violence
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
i made a craigslist ad !
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work