Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
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My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
CUTE CAT‼︎
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.