Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
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Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Bringing back this classic
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
mood
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂