I just think of unfollowers as me paying my Follower Tax.
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As I was tucking in my 8-yr-old, she asked me if it’s possible to “accidentally eat a squirrel”, and now I don’t think I’m getting any sleep tonight
St. Patrick’s Day may just be an excuse to drink, but then again so is Ireland.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
doctor: you’re gonna need to take probiotics
me: oh i don’t think i can afford that
doctor: don’t worry, there are lower cost options
me: ah, yes. amateur biotics
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
I sprayed a fly with Axe body spray. He’ll live, but he won’t get laid.