put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
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SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
asked my bf how work was today
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Taliband
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.