Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone

Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.

I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat

I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.

sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day

This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice

[first day as lawyer]

me: obj—

judge: —shut up noob

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.

For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved

[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”

I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.

My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

Running from your problems is cardio .

Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”