Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”

My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.

Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.

If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit

My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.

date: what do you do

me: i run a non-profit

date: which charity?

me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.

Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

“I can’t eat all of that!”

… and other lies I tell

[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law

Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care

Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.

[courtroom]

me: good morning, Judge McDonald

Judge: you will address the court properly

Me:

Judge: or be found in contempt

Me: Good morning, Your Ronald

The Shining is on…

…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies

excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right

me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-

excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros

me: i need tha-

excel: zeros are icky

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying

I ate everything, including the H.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!