TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
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An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
whatcha thinkin bout
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not