TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
You Might Also Like
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.