TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
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My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Not😆🤣
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
this will hang in the louvre one day