Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.

My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now

wife: you’re drunk

me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol

You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.

I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

🧵 1/246

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”

“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.

Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake

Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back

Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him

40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU

I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.

my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp

Him: Wanna see my prison tats?

Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys

Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in

Ice Spice v. Mice Spice

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!

Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty

Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though

Me: IT’S 2AM!

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying

Me: And there’s no cure?

Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate

Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure