[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
