Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.

Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa

If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.

Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.

I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”

Anyways it was Eminem.

sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life

my astrological sign is a french fry

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

[The Second Coming]

Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“

Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”

This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.

Me [aghast]: My child?

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know