Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders

No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.

dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise

I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.

It said..

FINAL NOTICE

WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.

“And we shall call it Kansas City”

Cuz it’s in Kansas?

“No it will be located in Missouri.”

What will we call the neighboring city across the river?

“Kansas City, Kansas”

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day

My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying

I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party