Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.

If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.

Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.

Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…

Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].

Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.

My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.

interviewer: can you type fast?

me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words

girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid

wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.

“I know how to make an entrance.”

-guy who builds doors

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out

murderer: *stabbing me*

me: 🙂

murderer: doesn’t it hurt?

me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

The Shining is on…

…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.

Me: Loving this juice cleanse.

Wife: That’s sangria.

NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.

“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”

Every child ever: No you’re not.

Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”

50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.