Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.

Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

[At the police station]

Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning

Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe

Cop: okay what

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg

If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.

What did the 0 said to O?

Ohio!

Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.

8: When’s dad’s birthday?

Me: June 28

8: 2000 what?

Me: You mean 19…1984

8: 19? WOW

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

Me: It’s cold out there today!

12: How cold?

Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright

12: *sighs*

sugar glider wrangler

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”

reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!