Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

Mechanic said I blew a seal…

Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.

[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did

Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.

I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.

My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move

im gay on my mothers side

“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”

Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?

DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.

Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.

ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice

HER: do you mind?!

ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*

Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.

Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!

Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection

me: are there any steps I can take

doctor: not after I’m done

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

Robber: This is a stick up

Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.

Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]