[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
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You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Think I pulled my liver
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
