Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]

Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT

Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen

My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.

get you someone as goofy as you.. is.

In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”

“Is this your resume?”

Yes

“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”

Yes

“Welcome to UPS!”

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.

*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

me: hello darkness my old friend

darkness: friend is a strong word

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet