Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!

his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”

Life: “That’ll be $200.”

the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane

When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.

exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts

ceo: what’s the name

exec: duran duran duran

ceo: that’s way too many durans

exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir

ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans

exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir

i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.

M: Did you proof her?

S: She’s my mom.

M: OK but she may not be 21.

S: That’s biologically impossible.

M: No it’s not.

*My son is 16.

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]