Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.

My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone

Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time

Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.

*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*

it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.

The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.

~Australian drivers, apparently.

If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.

When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.

Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down

Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?

Me: I’m in morning

[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*

Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*

Four-year-old: Look, a rock!

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…

~Only 15 more to go!!

Real bees work best

*in hell*

satan: dude you gotta stop following me around

me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward

Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ

What in the hipster hell is going on here