Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
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my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Denise please return my vape pen
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us