Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
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Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.