tinder is all about the long game
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Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
I love wikipedia
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.