tinder is all about the long game
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What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.