tinder is all about the long game
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Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure