tinder is all about the long game
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Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line