Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.

“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.

Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.

Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!

[Casino]

Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.

“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.

*knock knock*

“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”

“But I’m having a poo”

“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”

Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.

💀

You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours? ⁣
⁣

“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”

an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

me: do you gift wrap

drug dealer: what

There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.

The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.

“We know, dear.”

I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.

Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.

ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

Thrilling chase underway