Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”

*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.

My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself

falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that

My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.

I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.

I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.

Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it

Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.

I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants

incredible

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

My mother is the strongest woman I know.

You should see how far she could throw a shoe.

(first day as a bartender)

customer: fifth of scotch.

me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

*gets on 1 knee*

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?

Her: Please get off my knee

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!