Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

ㅤ

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

[yelling over the music to club DJ]

ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES

My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.

(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys

The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

ODE TO TWITTER

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶

[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me

I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.

When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

cop: do you know why your neighbors called us

me: *into megaphone* NO