Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
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i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
