Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
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Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
3% human
97% stress
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.