Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”

Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.

judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f

Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads

Them: How corny are your jokes?

Me: Pretty corny

No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.

A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.

Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?

psychic: ok I’ll tell you

me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?

psychic: no I’m pretty confident

My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital

Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.

Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.

Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm

(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes

If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”