Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
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Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
These are my emotional support Pringles.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
I think my mom just blocked me
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons