Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts

You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.

Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby

Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”

Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”

M: “This. This is why.”

[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”

Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering

#Caturday

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

#TopTip

Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”

I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.

I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.

Nearly put me off my sandwich.

6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber

Me: Why are you —

8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!

6YO: I already told her, it’s over

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself

♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫

closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad

My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.

What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!

Me: 🙁

My chameleon: 🙂

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”

That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.