Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.

Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.

Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.

Doc: Stop eating pizza.

Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.

Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

[restaurant]

ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or

aesthetic

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.

*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy

What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?

i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes

Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently

How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.